crushie crush

yes, i have one of those. i have a crush and i'm willing to get crushed. this is the wonderful world of connecting and creating a space for someone new in your life.

fall back

a random two, three or few

i know how it ends.
we say hello to our best friends.
at some point i have to come clean.
and in the heart of hearts, we're all fiends.

side note and a little yoohoo ...
we've (you've) come up with a way to kill the bacteria that turns into pink eye!!!, you mean we don't need to see a doctor anymore to get a prescription to kill this shit? does this means that we are carrying more and more fecal matter on our finger tips!?
FOR SHIT'S SAKE OR SOMEONE'S, PEOPLE WASH YOUR FREAKING HANDS!
oh this could cause a shit storm.

i think i need to dance. i mean break it out. ddddlljjlljljffloflgrolfrojhgejgojji would love to be able to type that fast.

i'm going to play some robyn.

fuck, it hurts to stay awake.

i wanna new drug

perhaps i can't sleep because i'm thinking about wanting to sleep.
my skin and weight are suffering from my insomnia.
i should have gone to the show.

air time

i'm finding it harder and harder to remain calm and nice. my "trust fund" is running out and i'm still on the line for a job. i feel like i want to disconnect myself from things for awhile but have been advised that that might not be the best thing to do, especially in moments like this.
i'm trying to figure out the what's, the where's, the why's.
this seemed easier 5 hours ago.
now i'm just getting angry.
i need to channel this somewhere else.

i am not ready for people ... yet.

part blank

the blank is the masochist in me.

it's been almost 4 months, i'm counting. and will admit, that sometimes i wait for the phone to ring.

the fall is coming, the air changed this weekend to warn us. i love the fall, it's my favorite season. from my bedroom window i can already see the colours of the leaves changing. fall=fashion for me. i love the layering, the textures, the colours and the footwear! i have been very frugal lately with spending on clothes. i have so many and i need to learn how to recycle the pieces i have. that will be another blog of pics on my flickr ... i'm going to attempt being a "sixer".

in the meantime, i am still learning how to be with other people. i haven't gone on any dates yet. it hasn't bothered me, i feel like i have some control on this and that comforts me.

time ticks slowly ... ticks slowly

slowly.
please time, tick a little slower these days.

DJ turned 16 on Monday. she's thinking of moving to san francisco when she graduates. she wants to be a pastry chef/cook and open up her own bakery and/or restaurant. she wants to do photography on the side.

having children isn't really the hard part, it's the letting go that causes the heart ache.

i came home tonight and she pranced around the living room showing off her new Jake Ryan (16 candles fox) inspired boots, hadn't done any dishes and still managed to shoot a dagger at me from the corner of her eye when i reminded her of the dishes.

thank you time, for answering my letter.

wanted: family

finding out that you share the same dream with someone can calm the "crazy" in me. yesterday, i lunched with a new friend, Tray. she's quirky, smart, sweet, and we share the same dream. when i said it out loud to her, i felt juvenile. then she blurted out that she had the same one. i am not alone.

music plays. the dream starts. i am reading a book on the couch and someone knocks on the door. i get up, look through the peep hole and it's "blah blah blah". i open the door, hug her in and we chat, look at the time, play with my kids and then make dinner. the door knocks. it's "trah lala". i hug them in, they hug "blah blah blah" and gets right into chopping the veggies. the door knocks. it's "la la la" and they have a bottle of wine. i hug her in. she hugs the kids, says "hey" to "blah blah blah" and "trah lala". "lalala" pours wine and the door knocks again, again and again.

i hear someone knocking on the door, this time I AM awake, i hop to the door, look through the peep hole ... and it's the delivery man for my cantonese chow mein and wonton soup. i guess i'll be watching box sets of the L-word and SATC again ... hello "blah blah blah", "trah lala", "lalala" ....

pins and bings

trying to gather your contacts back into your life is actually pretty cleansing. my contacts were wiped off my blackberry, now i get to choose who gets to go back in. i have a total of 5 so far ... they say if you can count the number of friends you have with one hand, then you're pretty fucking lucky. bullshit, bullshit i say. but thanks mom.

with the theme of the world being so connected and intertwined, why don't i have more friends!! facetious.

i woke up funny today. the lighting in my room was off somehow, and my bed seemed bigger. almost 3 months into this and i'm slowly edging over to the middle of my bed.

cross

in total i think i got about 4 hours of sleep. i'm part insomniac, part masochist, part cuddler, part doer. this makes it very difficult to sleep when energy from all four places join and a force is created that is so large, that, not even, i can fight it. and then i force myself to sleep.

i had another dream last night, this time of people yelling at me. it didn't make me angry that i was being yelled at, it angered me that i couldn't yell back at them.

THAT! and an annoying half-hearted hammering from the folks upstairs! they're drilling and hammering their floor, HELLO, people are trying to sleep. ok, ok, ok, it's like 9:30am and regular folks have already gotten they're 7 or 8 hours of sleep, have had their cup of espresso and are beaming for their efforts of pretending to care about their day. yeah ... well, i say fuck you.

to waking up to the clatter of my dream, the shatter of my ceiling and an encore from my left side neighbour drilling into their walls, i roll over half awake yelling at my ceiling and wall - SHUT UP! i grab my blackberry, (i love this device) and notice that i have a message. oh, right! dj so cleverly advised me to put a password on it because i do a whole lot of butt calling. i entered what i thought was my password to then attempting it 10 times. i get a message from my lovely blackberry and it gives itself a rim job wiping everything clean! not just once but twice! and where does that leave this charred maiden? wizarding it back to it's known device and loading on my contacts for a second time and will be sending out bbm messages to my fellow blackberry contacts to accept my pin. fuck.

good morning tuesday.

quality time

dj and i saw "kids are all right" tonight.

we did our usual dinner and a movie night. she turns 16 this monday and we don't have a lot of time together from now and then. so movie date night it was. the movie was interesting, as dj and i saw some parallel to what's happening in our own family, including some of the characters. as the movie was heading into the usual "last song" part of the soundtrack, i grabbed kleenex from my purse, wiped away the tears and said,

"i haven't cried that much from a movie since beaches."

can you hear me

i dreamt last night that i fell out of a plane. i was with someone. at first she was DJ, then a girlfriend, then my sister, then a young boy, whoever it was we were just bobbing up and down in water like buoys. we landed in a body of water, it was like the city of Manhattan flooded. we were surrounded by iron gates and it was the only thing that we could grasp on to keep us afloat.
i was struggling though, i had to save my camera. i was holding it high with my left hand trying not to get it more wet than it was. i kept saying to my companion, "these are the second pair of eyes that i've got, it's all i have" and then i started yelling at them to try to get us on the other side of the gates.
i seldom ever remember dreams, but this one was in faded colour ... and the sound was real.

these magic moments

there is this core group of folks that i run with. run with, meaning hang with. we do the dancing thing, the boozing thing, the all over the map no plan in hand thing and that's when i have the best nights with these folks. last night was a chaotic fumble of random happenstances, so random that i, myself was called random.
i'm into substance these days. stop thinking drugs and start thinking meat. i don't have time to idle my brain when i am with company. i feed off the stimulation that other human beings give me. last night, i felt human. i felt it all around me. when i looked at my friends i felt wholesome and that perhaps this was the beginning of a family forming, i think i found a place to park. sometimes my need for definition can hinder that, perhaps it has my whole life. but on this third day of my new life, i'm not looking for answers that other people give me, i'm looking for the questions that i'm asking to be answered by me.
pressure is released.
i met someone last night that looked at me the way that i look at myself in the mirror. their smile confirmed the fondness of my smile. their eyes were gentle and every glimpse i had into them, i smirked with feelings of passion. and when we spoke it was like dancing; rhythmic, smooth and confident.
i can still connect.

last nights

i woke up with a hangover this morning. that hasn't happened in years. i feel like a bag of shit and want to sleep but can't seem to manage to.
i miss having someone to come home to, to lie in bed with and snuggle into.
i'm not the type to one night stand, at least i'm not anymore.
that might make it worse, actually. meet someone i'm half into, bring them back to my place to show them the view of the city from my bedroom window. i casually offer more drinks as i sit on the bed, playfully inviting them to sit and ask them to tell me their story again because i wasn't listening at the bar. i would act interested and then lean in to kiss them and the stand begins. music plays, it's over in moments and i want them to leave because i would rather wake up alone.

DAY ONE

i feel like this is the first day of my new life. we do this all the time don't we? we go through shit and then end up sad and alone and think, "i need to start fresh", "i need to start new again", "my life would be better if?", "i suck and that's why i'm alone". so maybe every day is the start to a new life for someone out there ... depressing? no, and it passes, and maybe there is some humour to it all, so we laugh. it's a cycle of sorts, and we choose the track we run on.

so what's my deal?

i'm in my mid thirties, yes boys and girls! i'm in my prime and i've never felt better, us thirty somethings always want to fuck and scream! sarcasm. that first sentence could put me in jail. self deprecating. the thing about being in my thirties is that i still have questions and i still don't have everything that i wanted when i was 16. self aware. and that makes me more aware of what i do have to wake up to every day. serious tangent. i would be arrogant if i thought i had it all and had every question answered. i would be limiting myself to the realm of me. confidence. self deprecating. i would be ignorant and well, frankly i wouldn't even want a conversation with me. honest. so what is this? what is this for me?

i have to paint, collage, recreate, make, establish and embrace what success means to me. not to you, but to me. this has hindered my success and i still have time to get lost in it. so, i'm getting lost, taking a hike and flying a kite.


here are the details. a link for my favorite things, my eyes and ears couldn't go without ... a spot for my hobbies, i'm tactile .... and lastly here, my heart.